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October 20 From heart and mind alikeHey again,
Are you there? I really need to get some things off my chest. I've been reflecting alot latley. It seems who I was has met up with who I am. I look in the mirror when I wake up and behind me I see everything in my past. So I look away to really look, nothing but a bathtub. I look back into that mirror and I see my future, it's blurry and that scares me.
You know how I told you about November forth of 2006? though I was so worried I admitt I felt a warming comfort. What do you sapous that means? You think anyone who can't breath and is being rushed to a hospitol honestly should feel that way? Maybe it's because of the fight I was fighting.
That reminds me. I know I say it all the time but THANK YOU for keeping him safe! He's the best part of me now a days and always. I know that he's happy. Not to say that I don't miss him, but you knew that didn't you?
Something I would like to ask for myself if that's ok? Please help me to be stronger I can't take much more abuse. This mental game thats spilled over the top of the pot. As you know I'm sure the mental games have gotten physical and I can't wrape my head around it. Really how long can I be expected to hide bruises and broken/dislocated bones?
Please....Just....just some strength. help my heart and trust become sheiled. I need you! What have I done?
   Love, Amandalyn Renee' Ferrara April 21 The Asignment.... ok so I recived an asignment from a friend. They want to wrk with people so a professor of theirs gave her this things to write about who she wants to be with and what she wants her life to be like with them....she also gave me this asignment saying it would do me good so her goes nothing i guess.
 The man I want to be with I will be there for. I know I will fuck up however I hope that we will be abled to work things out as i know he will fuck up aswell. I want to be there when he comes home from work and greet him with a kiss and just hold him tight even if his day was perfactly fine. I want to make him his favorite foods for breakfast lunch AND dinner. Even dessert. When he's down and so close to crying i want to rub his back and not only tell him i am there for him but be there as well, and when he does break down an cry i want to be there to be the one to wipe the tears away and cry with him. i want to give him all of my love, drop EVERYTHING and put him first! I want to be there not only when he needs me but when he wants me too. Even when everything is all going to shit i want to look in his eyes and tell him from my very soul that i love him forever and a day no matter what. I want to grow old with him make his life so very memoriable so that even after 60 years and he possibly has altimers he will still remember our life together, and as we lay dieing i want to be the one who reaches over to him and sais ill see you on the otherside and yes....yes i will still love you only more so.
He will be the one person i will ever change for even if i say i wont ever change...all he'll have to do is ask me.
so im sure that was corny but its part of how i feel about the man i see myself with. April 15 The Dream!!Grrrrr!
i guess it's time to spill the beans...
anyone EVERYONE!?!?
i have this dream. everynight the same dream....i wont go into detail but i always wake up screaming names and with tears streaming down my cheeks. i ...i...well...i just need some help. please. how might one go about getting rid of these dreams....staying up until your body gives out is a bad idea... it makes the dreams stronger to me...i geuss i wake the ways i do because these things actually happened and where i am staying now....always wakeing to a voice i reconize as my own screaming in tears..."i dont want to be your girlfriend i want to be your wife!"
im going to stop myself before i keep going into detail ...
but seriously if anybody has some advice i would greatly aprechiate it.
thank you,
in her time of need,
Amandalyn Renee' Ferrara April 04 stupidityim so stupid. I have 100's of poems about one thing or another but the best one will never be shared. Its not the best because of perfact rythme or spelling manificent imagry but because its true every last word true to a feeling i have. Nobody will ever read it though. Someone wanted me to burn it but i cant it means to much it would be like cremating the person or thing its about alive. Just wrong. *sigh* im so stupid with my throbing eyes to proove it. March 05 My ConfessionsMy Confessions
Part one
1. I live a lie everyday.
2. When I smile I'm really crying on the inside i just don't want anybody to know.
3.I havev a box full of things and emotions that, when i look at them, i cry because i remember so many smiles.
4. I made a painful sacrfice hopeing that it would help....not me but another.
5.Every night i dream of the past and i wake up in tears.
6. I'm always turning and bumping into things that remind me of all the best things in my life.
7.The day I said goodbye face to face....I tryed so hard to let you think i wasnt in pain....but i cryed as you drove off after that last hug.
8.I didnt want to let go.
9.The people i talked to were a bad influence on me and i became weak.
10.Somehow everything that i have still has your scent on it.
11.i sleep with Cliford the v-day dog.
12. i know im going to cry when i leave to come back to el paso...but ill try to be strong so its fair to everyone...
Part two fallows part one.
this is just the song i was litsening to as i wrote this part. March 04 hmmmm?Mistakes. We all make them. However , some are far worse then others. Some effect the way we live, think, and even look at others. We may not trust like we used to or we may blindly trust because we don’t want to change. I had/have that problem. I made a choice and the reason is complex but some days I think about it and wish I didn’t make that choice. Then I look and see that what I chose may be a good thing because now another has a shot at being happy, I mean truly happy. The chose I made has me living but living with doubt in my mind everyday. I wish I had some knowledge of…… January 30 oh the things i wish....object width="425" height="344">the things i wish for the things i see i wonder what things will be. i havent a clue so i tell to you ill await on my midnight marble and if by chance you can find it you'll see what i do.... January 23 stuckso i got to thinking and im stuck on the questions asked after certai events.like: are you going to be good with your new "friends"? stuff like that. as if trying to pry an not pry at the same time. well if you were to say no, or, you dont really want to know, what would happen. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
OH YEAH I WOKE UP WITH A BLOODY CHEST AND CUTS AFTER A VERY REAL PAINFUL DREAM....DEATH ITS EVERYWERE! ~*~la vita dopo la morte~*~ December 08 Angel of grace
Angel Of Grace somewhere-within temptation my lastest video and YES i like it! |
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